Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Hormonal Pilgrim

Beware: Poorly written, let-it-all-hang-out blog post ahead.  Way to many 'I's. Read at your own risk.

Ladies- the past 3 months have been a hormonal roller-coaster hell.  I did HCG for 3 months and it gave me anxiety.  At least I'm almost positive it did.  Evidently, I'm the only person my doctor knows of who has this side effect.  Since I stopped,  not one horrible heart palpitation, not one day of a knotted up stomach, not one day of deep breathing to no avail.  Then a month without any meds ended in a total fatigue nightmare.  I crashed about three weeks ago in the middle of the last few weeks of school- horrible timing.  I crawled across the finish line that was the school year.   Last week, I was post-peak and called the doc and they gave me plain old progesterone which is what I was on before the HCG.  After a week of incrementally feeling better, I'd say I'm functioning at 90%.  I am not sure what my future holds with these meds.  Peak +7 bloodwork?  Taking a different route with a nurse practitioner in town that said she'd work with me?  A serious email to Sew?  Who the heck knows.  The last few months were a good reminder of 2 things:

1- So much of life is circumstance (see number 6).  If I had to function at any length of time with how I felt, I couldn't do my job.  The brain fog was constant and severe.  I walked around like a zombie not able to concentrate, prioritize or enjoy.  My anxiety and subsequent fatigue effected my marriage, my friendships, my prayer life, my housekeeping, etc.  Note to self: don't judge others- you just don't know their particular circumstances and don't be so hard on yourself- your circumstances are sometimes such that you can't DO IT ALL.

2- Thank you, God for Napro and the fact that I can make one phone call and a healing prescription is immediately ready at the local pharmacy and it's covered by good health insurance.  I am indebted to Dr. Hilgers and all the ladies who have already gone down this path.  Ripple effect?  I think so!!  Praise Jesus!!!!!

I'll have to make those decisions in a few weeks because......

We are going to Europe!!!!!!

And we are going to Pope Francis' audience next Wednesday!!!!!!!!

After two years of saving and making the tough decision to forego some much needed cosmetic home repairs because of increased airfares, we are going.  My very close friend moved to Germany last year.  She also has an only child the same age as AJ.  God's perfect timing has worked out a dream trip wherein we drive all together in a VW van through Italy to Slovenia, Guitar Man's family homeland.  I say God's perfect timing for many reasons.  One, our friends aren't believers and the fact that they wanted to go with us to Rome and are attending the audience with us is very moving.  Two, my hubs is very much an introvert and I never thought this type of trip was ever in the cards for us.  He's beyond excited and he's worked very hard to save money for this experience.  Three, my cousin is in Tuscany the exact time we are driving through the region.  I only have 3 cousins on this planet and one of the beloved three is staying in a freaking villa on our route through Italy.  You guys, this kind of stuff doesn't happen to me.  We are staying with her for a night and touring Florence together.  I haven't seen her in 3 years and she's gone through some rough times and I can't wait to chat with her face to face and give her lots of hugs.

I'm going to say it.  I haven't said it to anyone.  But, I think it all the time as I pack and shop and talk about the trip to friends.  You are safe and you will understand.

I would give up this trip in a heartbeat if it meant I could have a baby.

There I said it.  It's the elephant in the room and we can look at it and acknowledge it.

Then I think, we could have used the money to save for an adoption or treatment.  What do I do with that?  All I can say is that we are making the best of the gifts God has given us.  I'm not feeling called right now to adoption.  I can barely manage the treatment we do now much less more tests and procedures.

So, this is the plan.

I am going to soak up this trip.  The friends.  The family. The pilgrimage. The beauty.  I am going to live in a state of thankfulness.  After the toil of the school year, the anxiety, the fatigue, the longing for another baby, He has given me a beautiful gift all wrapped up with friends and family and fun.  I certainly don't deserve it based on all my whining and complaining.  This is the gift God gave me and it's not second rate.  It's perfect.  He knows just what I need and I trust Him.

It is my hope that I return rested and restored so that there is less of me and more of Christ.

All of you will be in my prayers during our trip, especially at the Holy Father's audience.

Love to all of you.


  1. I am so excited for you! What a blessing to be able to be in the Pope's audience!

  2. Oh my goodness, how awesome!!!! Enjoy every minute of it. We went to Rome for our honeymoon, and were there for 10 days, and I hope one day we can go back. The memories, almost 6 years later, are still so vivid. Live it up! Live it up! Aaaah, I can just smell the smells and see the sights and hear the sounds now. Am I jealous much? Yes! Have fun!

  3. Oh wow! Have lots of fun and take pictures so we can see! Praise God! I agree many if us would give up a trip to Rome for a baby but if God is giving you a trip to Rome right now take it and enjoy.

  4. Hmm, I think maybe I should put the disclaimer you put at the start of this on all of my posts :).

    I am SO excited for you and can't wait to read all about your trip!! Tell Papa Francis "hey" from all of us ;).

    I know exactly what you are saying about trading a trip for a baby and resources and all of it. It's that awful line between "life I have" and "life I want." So, I am so glad you are living your life and going - imagine the graces that will flow from being in the presence of the Holy Father!!!

    Have SO. MUCH. FUN!!!!!!

  5. That is AWESOME. Have a wonderful time. And no - you are not morally obliged to regret, let alone forego, a trip because you could have thrown even more down the insatiable maw of the fertility god. Enjoy!!!

  6. How exciting! I would love to be part of a Papal audience. My dh has done it and he says it's amazing. God bless you and your family as you travel.

    I know about hormone hell. Been there, done that. Next cycle will be interesting when I add clomid to the mix. God help all of those who are around me...poor dh. HCG seems to be working okay for me. I just cry easier...ummm...a lot easier.

  7. What an exciting trip, and fantastic timing! I'm so excited for you! And, yes, I know that you would choose a baby over this, but it sounds to me like this is what you should be doing for your family.

  8. What a fantastic journey!! I'm very excited for your trip, and pray that blessings will flow in your Papal audience.

  9. HOORAY for your trip! I'm sure that you've gone and maybe are back by now ... but I hope you had an AMAZING TIME with the Pope! (Crazy that I just typed those words ... have fun with the Pope! LOL) God is sure amazing with His timing of people, places and events in your life. I am SO GLAD you are able to have this adventure!!!
    And yes ... PICTURES please!!

  10. So glad that you are going to Europe, and that you are done (at least for now) with meds that make things worse. Whenever things are better for me hormonally it quickly feels as if I must have been making things up, because how could they be *that* bad. But sometimes they just are, and yuck.

    Also, kudos for being willing to post this. Sometimes the only thing to do with an elephant in the room is to fry it up for dinner. ;-)